you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
