Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
