Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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