I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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