please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
