90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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