Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Randomize
