A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my sisters under your porch take her home
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
