Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
