i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
accomplished twins. life is a go
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
