So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
