I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
