chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
