I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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