Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
