Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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