I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
