EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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