I've blown a few things in my day
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
