I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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