i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
