Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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