i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
