Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
