Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
