Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
