He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I need water and some morals
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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