My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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