TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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