the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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