I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize