I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
