please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
