So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
