Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
