My first STD was from a foam party
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
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