The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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