Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
