I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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