I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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