i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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