u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Jerry, you need to find god
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
