Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
