In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
