The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
