oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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