woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
