we have officially lost it.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
