On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
