u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
