I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
